Posted by: Ariel Leve | February 16, 2010

Men Should Never…

Last night, while waiting for a friend to arrive at t a restaurant, I decided to scrutinize all the men in the room and note the most unappealing moves. There were the obvious ones: using a Blackberry, nose-picking, etc. But there were also some lesser known moves.

If the goal is to be sexy, here is a list of things a man should never to do in a restaurant:

Licking your fingers.

A handsome man in a suit was licking his fingers after devouring a piece of shrimp tempura. Is this really necessary? That’s why God invented a napkin. Unless you’re at a Bar-B-Q, there’s no reason to lick your fingers. And even at a Bar-B-Q, if you’re over the age of ten, it’s questionable.

Using a bread stick to emphasize your point

Batting the air with a bread stick does not enhance your masculinity. Neither does pretending you’re a conductor and waving it in front of an invisible orchestra while you speak. No one should require a bread stick to communicate with authority. This also applies to a chopstick.


Reading the menu out loud

There was a couple on a date and the man was shouting the menu across the table even though the woman he was with was neither deaf, nor four. She was looking down, reading it for herself. He wasn’t suggesting things either or making comments along the way. He was simply reciting it to her. And because she was British, she was too polite to tell him to stop. Nothing is less attractive than a man yelling: “Shi-tacky mushrooms”

Admiring oneself in the mirror

There was a long mirror on the wall behind the banquette and men were seated facing it. Most of them were doing a good job of discreetly glimpsing every now and again. But one man in particular was clearly struggling with having to look at his date. The only thing less attractive then a man looking in the mirror while at dinner is a man looking in the mirror at another woman who’s just walked in.

Gargling the wine

Chipmunk cheeks are not sexy. Swishing liquid around in your mouth is not an attractive move. If we’re married and you’re in front of the bathroom sink with a mouthful of Listerine, naked, it’s cute. If you’re in a restaurant, gargling the first taste of wine it’s not cute. It’s annoying. You can taste it without swishing it. Take a sip like a normal person.

Slurping

If you’ve ordered a drink that comes with a straw, there is no reason to for anyone to hear you consume those last few sips. Let them go. Or, order a new drink and start over. There is no woman who will find this attractive, Unless she’s looking for Homer Simpson.

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Responses

  1. LOL. I have another one. Smiling or laughing even as they are chewing. No matter what the joke, I don’t think it warrants that sight!

  2. So I’m the one who writes back with, Women should Never…

    (perhaps this is also something men should never do)

    1) Pretend to laugh

    An agreeable nature makes for a fun evening and stimulates a pleasant dining experience. The more relaxed we become however, the more likely we are to crack a weak joke. We’re okay with this, normal service will resume; so please don’t force the giggle. Your eyes always give you away.

    2) Order a ‘the biggest one you do’

    By all means, have a drink. Enjoy some wine. Relax. Begin the cosy event however with ‘yes white wine for me please – small or large? – oh, just whatever, the biggest you do…’ makes us think you’re expecting boredom.

    3) Feign interest

    We don’t mean to go on about work, and we often don’t know enough about art to sustain more than 10 mins. But pausing at the end of our vain attempts, then adding ‘oh wow. Yes. That’s really interesting…’ makes us feel small. Remember, men fundamentally are a 2-way street. Make us feel good, we’ll be (properly) funny and interesting.

    4) Be late

    The table’s booked for 7:45. So why (why?) must we arrive at 07:58, following a scolding on the way when we protest? Why though? Seriously. It’s booked for 7:45.

    5) Talk too much with the waiter

    It’s about helping us to be as good as we can be for you (again). Laugh more with the waiter, ask him superfluous questions about the fish and generally try to make a friend…. please, you’re here with us. Pay us attention (but don’t feign interest or pretend to laugh). Your eyes will always give you away.

  3. Licking your fingers is a good thing. It is sexy, napkins be damned.

  4. Ariel, you are a harsh task master. Given that I have to agree with you as these are all very good points. I should have had this kind of advise when I was young so I would not have had to learn these things the hard way. 🙂

  5. Goodness us, we couldn’t agree more about the finger-licking. In any context, not just restaurants, it’s completely unacceptable and unnecessary. Don’t you just hate it when people lick their fingers to help them turn newspaper pages? Why do people feel the need to do that? We can turn those pages just fine without licking. Have we got some sort of different, sticky skin? No, we think we’re the normal ones.

  6. I have been unable to use a straw for many years now because of a tragic accident I had trying to drink a McDonald’s ‘Milkshake’ through a staw.

  7. While checking out a babe-a-licious girl in the mirror just behind the head of my ‘date’ I noticed for the first time that I have no reflection — should I worry ?

  8. You need to edit your blogs, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Also, I can’t understand why your father hasn’t inherited your brains. Can you send him an immediate transfusion?

  9. Ariel, the sring days are coming at last, surprise! Do you have something to say on the subject?))) Can’t wait to read.

  10. Oh, you’re cheating! This blog used to posted on your Times Online blog!

    Not that it isn’t awesome.

  11. Looking over your shoulder to watch the game on the TV.

  12. from afar

  13. Ugh, the mirror thing. I once walked out of a restaurant because the guy I was with had been not-so-surreptitiously staring at two lesbians sitting at the table next to us. Every time I opened my mouth his eyes would float over there. I wasn’t so much mad at him as embarrassed on their behalf (and sick of not being listened to). Gross.

    I am, however, guilty of exploiting mirror angles to watch football games.


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